TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically known for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely from spot. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But yes, absolutely sure, let's have One more area in which American Males can use robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: give Every person a set around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he need to prevent making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the challenge, replied, "You realize, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Room, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the making's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They Will Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Global buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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